"Have you done your recording?" my friend asked, worried.
It had been three days and I still hadn't been able to publish a recording of 45 seconds of audio.
"Yes, I will be, soon. It's just that I have hit some complications," I answered, not meeting his eyes.
"What kinds of complications, Em? Maybe I could help."
He was excited and his eyes looked hopefully at me.
"Nothing you should worry about and anyways, I am not sure if doing this is even a good idea. It's just a hobby that I have taken up, don't be too wracked up cause of it."
I turned my back to him, chewing my lip.
I had recorded it, several times by now, I had learned the words by heart but every time I recorded it, there was just some or other mistake. I wanted to make it perfect and beautiful as I had heard in other podcasts and I knew that it wouldn't happen if there were to be mistakes in my audio.
"Are you sure that's all Em? And if it is just a hobby then do it however it comes out, you don't have to stress about the complications," he said, shrugging his shoulders as if it was that easy.
It wasn't and his nonchalant attitude had bugged me. I was already frustrated with not being able to make it perfect, I turned to him, slightly angry.
"Well, you don't about that! And you don't get to judge me for this!" I said.
"I am not judging, I just want to help. I won't interfere if you want but I was just very excited about it and you said that I could help you with it. I am not perfect but you said that I would still be a great help, that's why," he said, his voice low.
Then I understood my problem.
I was nervous.
In fact, I am nervous.
With everything that I was doing, and am doing, I am nervous.
Starting a podcast, making this website, promoting it, and doing everything when I have never done something like this before is downright nerve-wracking sometimes. It takes time, patience, a lot of it especially when you feel like smashing your phone in the wall because it is not right? Because you are out of ideas? Or you are running late?
There are so many things and so much that you didn't even know would be needed or you would have to do but actually doing it is making you realize that everything is not a walk in the park.
For the first time, I am putting myself into the world and making myself known, at least trying to, and it's scary because I don't know what is going to happen or if people will like what I have to say, there are too many self-doubts. And this makes everything imperfect. This makes me question the smallest of details.
It is tiresome and exhausting and frightening.
This is exactly how my second (this time way too much thought of) trailer to the podcast, Humanity's Thread, came into being.
Through nervousness.
I didn't have the equipment that I needed. I didn't have a mic and I wasn't sure what I was doing but at the same time, I couldn't stop.
I wanted to at some points but I didn't. Not because I was strong or everything was perfect suddenly, even though I obsessed over everything for quite some time, but because in that nervousness was my excitement of doing something new, something never done before.
I was scared but at the same time, I was happy that I was doing it.
I didn't stop because even the idea of stopping was not in my mind. I was flowing through overwhelming emotions. And in the end, it didn't matter that I didn't have what I needed. It just mattered that I did it and then I put it out there, in its glorious imperfections and if you have heard it, you can actually hear the AC in the background.
Does that make me anxious?
Yes, it does.
Even today, approximately a week and a half from when I published it on Anchor.
Even in right this second.
It will probably make me nervous every time.
Maybe not.
I don't know but I do know that I did it.
The happiness I felt after finally having put it out there was amazing. I was doing something even if I was not sure about it, I was making something and I had put it out there. Finally, out there!
In the open for everyone to listen and to know me.
If everything by now doesn't tell you that I am introverted, I don't know what would, but I had done something that was taking me out of my own shell, and I am proud of myself. I had felt as if the virtual confetti in the app was not virtual, that it was real. I felt like I had achieved something. I had gone out of my way to do something that I wouldn't normally do. I was happy throughout the day and the next day.
It did give me anxiety, in the starting, but it also gave me immense satisfaction, a feel of achievement.
And now that I am making more and more recordings, it is getting easier every time.
Maybe, soon enough, the anxiety will also go away and only the excitement of doing something will be left.
I suppose, what I want to tell you is that it doesn't have to be perfect and you will feel like quitting or like everything is too much, but there is a light at the end. The amazing feeling you get after you have done it, more than makes up for it and it is natural to feel tense or not get it right when you are doing it for the first time. It is important to know and understand that.
What you feel is natural and that's okay but don't stop because of the obstacles.
To sum it up, as Stephen Hawking said,
"One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn't exist.... without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist."
P.S - Buy a plushie or a plastic duck and yeet it out the window, really helps with the frustration and saves money
A warm welcome to Humanity's Thread and welcome again to the people who already follow me. If you enjoy listening to me and reading my posts, then don't forget to follow my podcast, you can easily listen to it on Anchor, Spotify, Pocket Casts, Breaker, Google Podcasts, and other apps, you can also subscribe to my Website - "Humanity's Thread" to always know the behind the scenes and making of the Podcast. You can also contact me through my email - humanitysthread@gmail.com if you want to share some of your ideas and perspectives. You can send me voice messages on Anchor, I always respond! I am also available on Instagram - @humanitysthread
Hope to see you soon!
Stay tuned!
#postivity #HumanitysThread #newpost #podcast #behindthescenes #lovebeingimperfect #personalexperience
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